Point of choice

The only tried and true way to stop self sabotage is to rein the conscious mind into the present moment, focused on here and now. Now is the only point of choice. Frantically running hither and thither focusing on what I did not get in the past or scheming how to get “it” in the future causes the self limiting programs to run automatically. 

 I have started chanting.  A mantra repeated over and over is paralyzing to the cerebrum. Unfortunately I can’t go through the whole day mumbling and counting beads.

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The Stallion

My conscious mind is a wild stallion. It gallops over vast and limitless plains wreaking havoc with its thunderous hooves.  It is nervous and highly strung, and my efforts at taming it are puny compared to the brute strength and determination of the beast.  Countless times I have been thrown into the mud by its bucking and whirling.

 I am, however, determined to be the master and not the servant, but the horse is very clever.  I must keep a tight rein every second. The moment it senses the slightest slackening of the bit, off it goes again leaving me in the dust.

 With the stallion gone the subconscious program starts in with “ if you were clever enough, smart enough, strong enough, quick enough, ……. you’d be in the palace right about  now.” That’s when I start beating my head against the prison walls.

Chapter 2

 Why am I a victim and a burning martyr all rolled into one?  I feel stuck and unable to change the circumstances of my life.  Affirmations, positive thinking, and visualizations aren’t really coming through for me like those self help books said they would.  To make matters worse I seem to mess up my resolutions by doing what I don’t want to do, and not doing what I want to. Why though?

 Because I am of two minds, the conscious and the subconscious.  The conscious mind is the center of creativity and personality.  It allows me to choose what I wish to experience, and it listens to me.

 The subconscious mind, however, is the saboteur because it is completely unconscious and there is no reasoning with it.  Dr. Bruce Lipton likens the subconscious to a tape recorder capable of data input and output only.

 In addition to basic vegetative functions like breathing, and digesting and coordinating the “fight or flight”  response, the subconscious is also the data storage area for annoying habits and uncontrollable behaviors.

 These unconscious habits and behaviors form the blueprint for 95% of our lives, and here’s he kicker, they were installed in the first 6 years of life.  The brain at this stage of development is in theta wave mode, a state of hypnosis. 

We come in not knowing anything of what makes this reality run. So we look and listen and everything gets downloaded and stored in the hard drive of the subconscious, under hypnotic suggestion so to speak. This is high magic.  Unfortunately, we are recording other peoples ideas, notions, and limiting belief’s about themselves, and the world.  These belief’s are then translated into  our unconscious behavior.

We all know that sinking feeling when conscious awareness finally dawns and we discover that our mothers, husbands, and friends know just how to push the icon on the desk top that takes the shortcut straight to crazy, irrational, defensive behavior.

 These triggers are based on negative beliefs and erroneous ideas, you know, “I’am not good enough, I don’t deserve and so on. The really sad part of all this unconscious material is that our ability to resist these triggers are about as effective as yelling at our computers. 

chapter one continued..

My mother was the baby in a family of sixteen. Her father, a Christian fundamentalist, allowed no Family Planning under his roof.  Even though he was indulgent towards his last born, he upheld his moral obligation to run a tight ship.

 Despite the threat of hell fire my mother followed her passion and desire and what did she get? A baby and no husband. Rules were rules and not to be broken and so, through a series of unfortunate events I ended up living with my mother’s sister and her very sweet husband until I was about thirteen years old. My Uncle was lovable, and kind, my Aunt a dragon.

 Like my mother, I was indulged within the confines of religious dictates but in my heart I was not comforted. I was abandoned because there was something shameful about me. I was all wrong in the eyes of God and religion and someone was going to be severely punished for a very long time.

Being me was not safe. To even think of what I truly wanted and desired was frightening and scandalous so I took my cues from the outside. I cloaked and shielded myself very securely for my protection and survival.

What am I?

I am not of this world.  I am a ray of light traveling to the farthest reaches of creation. I lose myself so that I may have the sheer bliss of rediscovering again and again that I am sublime love and infinite possibility.  This is the Divine dance  of the beautiful one…..Lalita

Chapter 1 continued…

The very last thing that Jonathan did before passing was to kiss me full on the lips as though we were about to make love and say “ don’t ever, ever, leave me.” A year and a half has gone by and I still cry to think of the suffering he endured, brave as a warrior to the end.

Now there is nothing of real value left to lose but myself.  The job and relationships were a necessary sacrifice.  They no longer serve my highest good. I know that the only true way to honor my husband is to move into the space that his leaving created for me.  The space of loving and honoring myself enough to drop all pretense, delusion, and illusion to become me.

Chapter 1 continued… The very last thing that