Chapter 1 continued…
Out of the blue it seems my husband was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer at the unbelievable age of fifty four. We did chemotherapy, radiation, therapeutic mushrooms, meditation, sound healing and whatever we could but to no avail.
I was a practicing General Surgeon at the time for eighteen years saving lives and helping everyone that I touched but I could not rescue him. I gave up my career. I could not do what I did any longer. My work no longer made any sense to me. It did not matter.
I took care of him for about a year and a half and watched him die and grew to love him more and more every day. That time has been the buoy that has held me afloat in a sea of grief, guilt, and regret because he bequeathed to me the gift of unconditional love. I loved him more that I ever did and finally understood and realized just how much he truly loved me.
The reinvention of me or The Journey home
After my husband died I mourned the loss of him, our marriage, and the person that I had been. I mourned and mourned, and then gradually as if awakening from a somnambulist stupor I came to the realization that I now had the opportunity to discover me. I would change my point of view and magically turn devastating loss into priceless opportunity.
Fortitudo, by Sandro Botticelli (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
The greatest act of bravery in my life to date has been the courage to feel what I truly feel.
It has not been the courage to open a patient’s abdomen with a blade in an attempt to save a life, but the desperate attempt to save my own life by opening to me.
The experience of pain, anguish, rejection and agony bares the heart to joy and bliss. Pain, rejection, joy and bliss, inseparable.
And so I sit in the vastness of my being and surrender to the waves of ecstasy flowing through and over me.